This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Have no fear...
The fantasy world that John and I fashioned and that you voiced your opinions on, will probably never come to pass. We just lived 24 hours of playing house, and you just happened to catch a glimpse of it. You're right--I would move Heaven, Earth and even run through Hell for John, but to hang onto him (as was suggested)? That's not me, and it wasn't what this was about. And if you knew anything about John, you'd know that he's not one to be held onto either--he'd sooner slip through your fingers like mercury.

Seriously folks, why worry about an imaginary baby that would've been insanely loved had that moment ever come to pass? I get some of don't know know a side of me that I show you. You don't know only know what I've written about him. What you don't know is that there was something stirred up in all of this drama. What that something is? I haven't words to say. Is it good enough to become a family over? That's what we were talking out...and of course, it was based on the reality of what we want and the daydream of what we could have. We were chasing the dream.

It was a thought...I'm not quite sure fleeting, because it's certainly seeded and took root in my heart. A thought that we were trying to examine from all angles to see if it could be possible. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that my mom is dying and that she would like a grandchild before she dies. As much as I try to push that thought to the back of my head and heart, it always pops up in quiet moments alone. And yes I know that's no reason to have a doesn't make someone live. I'm not trying to have a baby this moment. I'm not even trying to have a baby with just anyone. If I had a baby...I would've liked it to be with him. If it wasn't him, I would be the regular old me. The non-baby thinking-about me.

But I'm sure we'll lay this little fantasy to rest soon, and Maggie will just be something that we think about when we're staring at separate ceilings. Sure, I'll probably get the magnolia tattoos...and sure, someday down the line, I may look at them wryly. And maybe one day there will be a Magnolia Grace in one of our futures...or in both of our futures-- possibly together. Once again, a dream deferred. Dreams aren't meant to be picked apart...maybe if we were acting rashly, but we weren't.

But who knows? My period stopped maybe it's test time again? I wouldn't think it...but some of you in the know mentioned it. Now that would just be irony at work...
posted by Melina at 7:38 PM