So...I switched back to single on myspace...and I feel like I'm 15, because it hurt to do it. I laughed/snorted a little through my tears as I did it, because I felt ridiculous. And I went to John's page and there we were...still together. So I felt the need to write the following.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Reluctantly...
Current mood: forlorn

I switched back to single.

In my heart of hearts I'm in a relationship with you...but obviously, I'm not crazy so I know better. And I'm going to fade out for a while and see if you contact me later. My hopefulness is asking me to leave you in the top eight...because no matter what, I've had a great time with ya (until now). But when you switch me up, I'll bite the bullet.

what hurts more?
The fact that I'm not enough?
The fact that I don't hate you, not even a little, not at all?
The fact that I've been crying since 4 am?
The fact that I want you to change your mind right now, or in a month or in six...does that make me a pushover?
The fact that I thought things were fine and I feel like the biggest asshole in all the world?
These aren't questions to make you feel bad and I'm not looking for you to answer them (well eventually I would like you to)...I'm just trying to suck the poison out...and go figure, someone who teaches writing enjoys writing her way around her problems.

You're the only person able to read this (I set it to preferred readers and only selected you), I don't want anyone to read this and think badly of you (eh you guys don't count...I meant our mutual friends online), because I don't...I'm not going to lie, I'm definitely not happy and I kind of wish you were as miserable as me...but that's kind of childish I guess; and so I guess I don't wish that.


And his response:

i feel like the biggest asshole in the world, and if i didnt think you were someone i want in my life for a long time, i'd say i wish none of this ever happened, only because it hurts to know that i've hurt you....

believe me misery is no stranger, never has been

eh...still don't know anything, except that we both sound damn confused and it's his fault.