This is blog of a woman who didn't know what she wanted and so chased after dreams and men in search of the answers...drunken hilarity ensued. Then one day she met a man who was everything she wanted, but he wasn't so sure. Then she did the unthinkable; after they broke up she gave him this blog address and she let him into her mind as well as her heart. Unbelievably, even after sorting through the sordid archives of failed relationships, one night stands and her lusty (and embarassing) pursuit to secure the heart of a certain young line cook, John somehow managed to fall in love with her too. Melina and John were married a little over six months after they started dating, running away to Las Vegas to seal the deal. You can imagine what the over/under bet was to see if they'd even make it a year!! Over a year later and they are still going strong...this blog has become their story. Need to tell me something? Email me at Melinalovesjohnny at gmail dot com
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Thursday, February 23, 2006
She's come undone
I've officially sunk into a deep state of depression. I am exasperated with myself and the fact that I feel nothing except weighted down by everything in the entire world.

I'm working hard to get out of it, but as my friend said to me when she saw me at the store picking up odds and ends, "You look horrible. Are you doing ok?" And I can honestly say with a ragged breath, "No." I kind of just stare into space and think about what went wrong. I've yet to figure it out. And yeah, I know, I'm never going to figure it out.

I've appreciated everyone's input. I'm waffling between self pity and trying to figure out if he really is in a bad place right now and wondering if he will come back in a few months (he's got school issues, debt issues, weight issues...they aren't major issues like serious problems but for someone who is a perfectionist, I see why he's unhappy with himself)....I'm trying to figure out how/if I'm going to move on. I'm wondering why he said he loved me. I'm wondering why he made plans for March. I'm wondering why he planned for this summer. I wonder all these things because that gossamer future has been yanked away from me. All the time we spent together seems richer rather than the time alone or the (well spent) time with my friends who are trying (in vain) to cheer me up.

True, it was only a short time that we spent together, but it was a very intense few months. The courtship began at Thanksgiving and the flirtation gave way to exclusive dating on our very first date. And the intensity of it all is probably partially to blame for the break up.

Neil Young, you's not better to burn out, than fade away..."

Because we burned out.

(Alright, I've bummed you all out long enough...I think I'm going to take a little blogging break until I can focus on something other than this)
posted by Melina at 11:45 AM