I've officially sunk into a deep state of depression. I am exasperated with myself and the fact that I feel nothing except weighted down by everything in the entire world.

I'm working hard to get out of it, but as my friend said to me when she saw me at the store picking up odds and ends, "You look horrible. Are you doing ok?" And I can honestly say with a ragged breath, "No." I kind of just stare into space and think about what went wrong. I've yet to figure it out. And yeah, I know, I'm never going to figure it out.

I've appreciated everyone's input. I'm waffling between self pity and trying to figure out if he really is in a bad place right now and wondering if he will come back in a few months (he's got school issues, debt issues, weight issues...they aren't major issues like serious problems but for someone who is a perfectionist, I see why he's unhappy with himself)....I'm trying to figure out how/if I'm going to move on. I'm wondering why he said he loved me. I'm wondering why he made plans for March. I'm wondering why he planned for this summer. I wonder all these things because that gossamer future has been yanked away from me. All the time we spent together seems richer rather than the time alone or the (well spent) time with my friends who are trying (in vain) to cheer me up.

True, it was only a short time that we spent together, but it was a very intense few months. The courtship began at Thanksgiving and the flirtation gave way to exclusive dating on our very first date. And the intensity of it all is probably partially to blame for the break up.

Neil Young, you lie...it's not better to burn out, than fade away..."

Because we burned out.

(Alright, I've bummed you all out long enough...I think I'm going to take a little blogging break until I can focus on something other than this)