I wasn't expecting it to be good. But I wasn't expecting it to be this bad. (Don't read this if you want to see the movie...there aren't really "spoilers" per se, but I do talk about the plot (or lack thereof) a bit.

OK let's start at the beginning. Back when I was just a wee child Don Johnson (Sonny to you) and I had a one sided love affair. He was all like, "Melina, I love you...even though you're a mere five or six years old, I have high hopes for you...and see, I cultivated Melanie Griffith into the fine young woman that she is starting at the age of 15." (Don was a bit of a pervert) And I was like, "Yeah, whatever" and gave him the "talk to the hand" move long before it was popular. At least that's how I remember the story going. My mom and dad remember it otherwise. They would tell you that whenever Miami Vice came on the television that I would sit inches away from the screen and when Don would come onto the screen I would attempt to make out with him by licking and sucking on the glass. (This was when my dad knew there was going to be a lot "boy trouble" in our future...since I was a super horny five year old. Let's not even discuss what I would do when Dukes of Hazzard was on!) So, on with the story.

John and I went to Blockbuster, (the mecca of sucky movies all lined up like ducks ready to be shot down in a game of Duck Hunt) and saw Miami Vice beckoning us. I looked at the DVD case. Colin Ferrel (l?) looked hot in a smarmy way with his sun (peroxide) streaked longish hair and his little furry caterpillar of a 'stache. I instantly wanted to rent this movie, I could feel it in my loins! John saw the words ACTION and he was just excited that I didn't try to talk him into renting The Notebook (I'm sorry, I'm human, I'm fallible and I love that movie even though I LOATHE Nicholas Sparks and all that he represents in his formulaic and ridiculous little tales that everyone calls a "best seller"). So we trotted home content. John got action, I was going to see Colin and then John was sure to be getting action afterwards.

The tape sat around the house. It was kicked under the coffee table, hidden under bills and Christmas cards. It was almost as if...we had regretted renting the movie...could we be a slight bit psychic?? I hope so!! I can see our 900 number commercial, ** dream sequence music here** John has a long prairie skirt on, a kerchief on his head and he shouts in his fake Jamaican accent, "Calll me nnnnow!"*** dream sequence over*** let's let bitter reality wash over us.

We put Miami Vice into the DVD player and almost instantly we were lost. Most of the time we couldn't understand what people were saying because--as John put it--"we just aren't cool enough". Jamie Foxx (Tubbs, to you...Jamie to moi) abbreviated nearly every other word in each uninspired sentence he dribbled out of his mouth. We learned (after rewinding and practicing our fake Cuban/Puerto Rican/too cool for school accents) that the boys were going to be hunting down some no good drug dealing skinheads. Skinheads? Really?? Maybe I shouldn't be saying this but aren't skinheads about as passe as say...stirrup pants? I dunno. But then, a twist! We abandoned the skinheads to hit up the "real drug operation". Cue lack of action for about 20 mins here.

Lots of stuff doesn't happen for a while, and Colin falls in love with an Asian woman who grew up in Havana with her doctor mother. A woman he should definitely not fall in love with as he is a vice cop (and for this movie's purposes, a deputized federal agent)--that's all I'll say about that, I guess that was supposed to be our "complication". In truth, it was complicated because the lovely Asian woman was very hard to understand because her accent was marbly and weird--or I'm an ignoramus, which I'm not discounting. Somehow after sex a few times, Colin falls in love with her...or at least his penis has a protective feeling about her. I'm not sure why because I've had hotter sex with myself than what I saw on my small screen (from either Jamie or Colin)--muy disappointanto (or disappointing...whatever, I never took Spanish, it seemed too practical).

And that's where I'll stop because I don't want to "ruin" the ending for you--because lordy! it was a hum dinger of an ending (not at all...I'm just being nice to Colin and Jamie).

And that's how my love of Miami Vice was dashed upon the rocks of Havana and the docks of Miami within the privacy of my own home. The next time I'm out of Nyquil, I will race to Blockbuster and put Col and Jame into the DVD player and drift peacefully off to Nodsville, sure there was a little gunfire (In fact, at one point I yelled, "It was an unimpressive firefight!" ala Willam Dafoe in Boondock Saints). That was the only source amusement throughout the entire film.

For the love of all that's holy and holey, never rent this movie.
Colin, I forgive you. All my love, Melina