Discussions with Mom
My mom is the greatest woman alive. When she's nice, she smells of Christmas cookies, eggnog and all things good and mommy-like. When she's mad at me, she breathes fire and sighs a lot. When we get a-chatting, it takes us forever to get off the phone...keep in mind we live five minutes away from one another and we talk on the phone every day. Today's phone call came in at 49 minutes and 48 seconds and it would've gone on forever but I told her that I needed to go because the house was on fire. She didn't believe me, but she did let me off of the phone.
Mom: So, did you two enjoy your first Christmas together?
Me: Absolutely! It was the best Christmas eva! John rocks (etc...insert all my schmoopy comments here,[can't give Johnny too big of a head, ya know?]).
Mom: (giggles) Really? Lots of Christmas sex? (seems like a random thing to ask, but then again my mom and I discussed my first sexual encounter with John with lots of vim and vigor so it seems normal to me)
Me: Um, no...not much more than usual [note to reader(s): let me not imply that we don't have enough sex, we do--hell, we broke two chandeliers last month from when we were swinging on them! Um, just not when I've hit the sauce and I'm found snoring on the floor...or at least not that I'm aware of]...we had a lot of running around to do, people were always here, I was always drunk and passed out...you know. I'm sure John wanted lots of Christmas sex but he forgot to put the mistletoe on his belt as he was instructed and so I always missed the target area when he put my drunk ass to bed on a nightly basis.
Mom: Oh... (silence)
Me: (*begin internal monologue*oh shit, she's going to be mad because I spent my Christmas drunk...but I did paint a little!! And I wrapped presents...shoot, I should've just said, "Yes") What?
Mom: (sounding like the cat who ate the canary) I just thought maybe I'd get a start on my new holiday wish list.
Me: Huh? the holidays are basically over and you HATE the holidays...retail, Mom, remember?? (sigh) What do you want for next year? (thinking I was going to have to find some elusive 1st edition of Don Quixote and would have to sell my body to afford it and convince John to let me sell my body for said book)
Mom: babies...I want lots of babies!
Me: (knowing full well what she meant) Well...you and your bf could...
Mom: No, absolutely not. I am done birthing babies, I'm now grandmother material...call me Grammy from now on!
Me: Uh, no...I think I'll stick with mom. Yeah, mom seems to work best for me.
Mom: (seeming not to hear me, or choosing perhaps she says in a fervor) C'mon! take one for the team! Hasn't John's mom been asking for grandbabies yet?
Me: No...she's not crazy apparently. We've been married for FIVE MONTHS, MOM!
Mom: Yeah, I know...I've been holding this inside for sooo long!
Me: Great willpower Mom, I'm going to go drink a glass of whiskey and go back to bed, ok? (not true but I felt like irritating her)
Mom: Don't you dare!! You stay out of that bed until your husband comes home!!
Me: I'm going...
Mom: I'll pay for it, if it's lack of money or something I'll pay for the baby!
Me: Mom, you're clearly insane...are you suggesting a strange "baby for cash" ring?
Mom: Don't be ridiculous. Fine, I'll try reverse psychology..."I don't want any babies out of you any time soon."
Me: First of all, gross...you just said, "Babies out of you" that's just icky. Secondly, I don't think you're supposed to tell me that you're going to use reverse psychology on me.
Mom: Oh grow up!
Me: I think the house is on fire, I gotta go!
Mom: Seriously, I take it back...you can't have babies yet.
Me: Love you too Ma, bye!!!
*Click*
My mom's biological clock is ticking like a mofo, ha ha. I'm glad John and I have discussed this and decided to wait and enjoy all our time alone...I have a feeling that not only would a baby add more company but so would my mom! I'm sure she would "steal" her and rename her constantly.
Mom: So, did you two enjoy your first Christmas together?
Me: Absolutely! It was the best Christmas eva! John rocks (etc...insert all my schmoopy comments here,[can't give Johnny too big of a head, ya know?]).
Mom: (giggles) Really? Lots of Christmas sex? (seems like a random thing to ask, but then again my mom and I discussed my first sexual encounter with John with lots of vim and vigor so it seems normal to me)
Me: Um, no...not much more than usual [note to reader(s): let me not imply that we don't have enough sex, we do--hell, we broke two chandeliers last month from when we were swinging on them! Um, just not when I've hit the sauce and I'm found snoring on the floor...or at least not that I'm aware of]...we had a lot of running around to do, people were always here, I was always drunk and passed out...you know. I'm sure John wanted lots of Christmas sex but he forgot to put the mistletoe on his belt as he was instructed and so I always missed the target area when he put my drunk ass to bed on a nightly basis.
Mom: Oh... (silence)
Me: (*begin internal monologue*oh shit, she's going to be mad because I spent my Christmas drunk...but I did paint a little!! And I wrapped presents...shoot, I should've just said, "Yes") What?
Mom: (sounding like the cat who ate the canary) I just thought maybe I'd get a start on my new holiday wish list.
Me: Huh? the holidays are basically over and you HATE the holidays...retail, Mom, remember?? (sigh) What do you want for next year? (thinking I was going to have to find some elusive 1st edition of Don Quixote and would have to sell my body to afford it and convince John to let me sell my body for said book)
Mom: babies...I want lots of babies!
Me: (knowing full well what she meant) Well...you and your bf could...
Mom: No, absolutely not. I am done birthing babies, I'm now grandmother material...call me Grammy from now on!
Me: Uh, no...I think I'll stick with mom. Yeah, mom seems to work best for me.
Mom: (seeming not to hear me, or choosing perhaps she says in a fervor) C'mon! take one for the team! Hasn't John's mom been asking for grandbabies yet?
Me: No...she's not crazy apparently. We've been married for FIVE MONTHS, MOM!
Mom: Yeah, I know...I've been holding this inside for sooo long!
Me: Great willpower Mom, I'm going to go drink a glass of whiskey and go back to bed, ok? (not true but I felt like irritating her)
Mom: Don't you dare!! You stay out of that bed until your husband comes home!!
Me: I'm going...
Mom: I'll pay for it, if it's lack of money or something I'll pay for the baby!
Me: Mom, you're clearly insane...are you suggesting a strange "baby for cash" ring?
Mom: Don't be ridiculous. Fine, I'll try reverse psychology..."I don't want any babies out of you any time soon."
Me: First of all, gross...you just said, "Babies out of you" that's just icky. Secondly, I don't think you're supposed to tell me that you're going to use reverse psychology on me.
Mom: Oh grow up!
Me: I think the house is on fire, I gotta go!
Mom: Seriously, I take it back...you can't have babies yet.
Me: Love you too Ma, bye!!!
*Click*
My mom's biological clock is ticking like a mofo, ha ha. I'm glad John and I have discussed this and decided to wait and enjoy all our time alone...I have a feeling that not only would a baby add more company but so would my mom! I'm sure she would "steal" her and rename her constantly.
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