After writing that post about my dad I stopped and think about how little Tash and I hang out anymore. Growing up, we were fairly inseparable. We lived three houses away from each other and still, I slept over her house on the weekends just so that we could stay up late at night to talk about guys, watch Saturday night live and make late night trips to the refrigerator. We laughed over the most rediculous things all the time--to the point where we were yelled at to shut up! We went through our awkward stage at the same time and we struggled to find a way to stand out without actually stand out. Let's just say our fashion sense and our hairstyles needed more than a little tweeking. We grew out of it for the most part. Tash, to this day is considered one of the hottest people ever to come from the "Cornfield" although, that's not how they treated her growing up.

When I went away to college, I definitely missed her. I made tons of friends, it was easy to do...but there's always that feeling that people just don't "get" you. I mean how could they? They didn't have everything in context. On those rare occasions that Tash came to visit me I was both excited and scared. Was I the same person that I was when I was back home? Did I want to be? Was I selling out and becoming phony or was I merely adapting? I never had the guts to ask her what she thought about that. The next year she joined me at college.

Again, it was great to have a piece of home at school with me, especially a piece that was such an integral part of my life. It was also a little strange. I have to say I was a little nervous about taking too much of her time up and not allowing her to have a true "1st year" experience and in that same respect I didn't want her to be floundering out there without anything to do. I can't say that I was very good at the balancing act and I left her lacking, epecially when I decided to join a sorority (which she later joined).

Flash forward to the end of school. Our college career closed. Over our senior year we did very little together besides sleep under the same roof and drive home together over holidays. I was still drinking like a fish, partying like a moron and just generally acting like an asshole--although having a good time doing it. Tash, on the other hand had found love. After college, Tash became very successful in her career. She has always been highly intelligent, hard working and efficient--this has helped her move up the career ladder very quickly. And let me tell you, she rakes in the dough...hell, she probably needs two rakes to do it.

I, on the other hand sank like a stone. After my dad died I was mean to everyone. I didn't go out, I didn't drink and I was not interested in anything except for my pain. After a failed job and a very near mental breakdown, I went back to school and pursued a new career. During this time, Tash and her college boyfriend decided to get married.

So now she's married. I used to send her cards and stuff just to say hey because I know we're all busy and I didn't want her to think I was upset that we didn't hang out as much because I know how things change. Friendships if they are going to last, have to morph and grow over time. For a time, we actually lived near each other again--both having townhouses on the same street. Even then, we didn't actually see each other much at all.

Now Tash and her hubby have purchased their "dream" house, their life seems to me to be idyllic--peaceful and serene with two spunky dogs for good measure. He loves his job, she likes hers (I think)...and I haven't spoken to her since my birthday party in March except for a couple of one line emails (she's VERY busy at work). For Christmas I had to send her Christmas presents as well as her birthday presents because I didn't see her at all for either occasion. I guess I didn't have to send anything but it felt too strange not to. I couldn't give up on our friendship. But now...I guess I have to. It hurts too much not to.

I wouldn't ever dream of blaming Tash for anything. This isn't a blame thing...it's a change thing. She has a real life. She's going to school to get her MBA, she cooks, cleans and hangs out with her husband. She's incredibly close to her family and spends a lot of time with her sisters and her cousins. She just doesn't have time to be my friend anymore...well that, and don't think she thinks that I've changed much since college. She may be right. I don't know. I don't know if it really matters one way or another. For the most part, (other than meeting men) I focus on being a decent person.

I have to say, as I spent my day on Saturday just trying to make it through quietly by myself I wondered where she was--not even where she was physically, but why she hadn't called at least? Saturday was when it really hit home that we aren't even really friends anymore. It's not like we're not friendly and it wasn't like there was an argument, there wasn't anything...it just kept on fading out--and I keep trying to hold onto the little bits. This became really clear the other day. I spent most of my day crying over the loss of my dad--to the point where I made myself dry heave and throw up. I spent some of the time on the phone with my mom trying to relive funny moments and to make each other laugh (she was working--I don't know how, she too had similar dry heaving experiences) and then I spent the rest of the time wondering what happened to my closest friend. I feel like someone else died on Saturday, although it took five years to happen.

It's really disappointing because I always thought our friendship would've been able to withstand anything. I mean seriously, how many people can you say that you've known since you were seven? I always admired that my dad was able to maintain friendships that he had with people that he had been friends with since elementary school. I wanted that too.