Infomercial (The Bathroom Reading Challenge)
(Sorry it's a late entry, but I couldn't get onto BR's blog to look at the pics--or that's the excuse that I'm going with...that and uh...my dog ate my laptop).
Drk returned from his mailbox and entered his renovated Jewish temple with a puzzled look on his face. He hadn't remembered ordering anything, but in his hand he held a very bulky package with his name on it. He sat on the couch and opened the package. It held what appeared to be a form letter and a videotape. He set the tape aside and glanced at the letter, it was from a company called Dating Boot Camp. "Huh?" he muttered outloud. He read on.
Dear Drk,
This is the first step to fun weekends and a fuller life. Congratulations. It's not the easiest thing to admit that you have no game, but now that you have-- we can help you out, and that's a guarantee! Just pop in the tape, open your mind to what our experts have to say and you'll be big pimping, or with that special someone in no time flat. What you do after that...well you'll be on your own with that one stud! So won't you just pop that tape in and see how we can enrich your sorry life?
Best Wishes
Dr. Neil Warren Clark (also the shyster from Eharmony.com)
"Well," Drk thought to himself, "the tape isn't that long." In fact it was shorter than his Eight Minute Abs tape that he was going to do in a few moments. He popped the ab tape out of the VCR and popped in Dr. Clark's dating technique tape.
Darius Rucker (former front man of Hootie and the Blowfish and now the black man dressed in cowboy clothes crooning about Burger King's food) came onto the screen. "Are you tired of spending so much time alone? Are you called a loser? Are you not so smooth with the ladies? Have the ladies asked if you preferred an alternate lifestyle because your flirting skills were less that sharp? If you answered yes to any of these questions boy...I'm here to make you a man. Let's talking about how a real man ought to dress.
Do you have fly threads? Do the ladies think you're a sharp dressed man? Chances are you don't. Take Chip here (flash picture one- you have to scroll down to see them because I'm a nerd and can't link right up to them). This is Chip when he first came to us. In fact, he needed a little more remediation than most so we brought him to the home office to work on him. Chip suffered from Robabankitis...meaning he didn't like his face showing at any given time. This was a little daunting when it came to the dating scene. Chip would be at the bar and trying to lay lines on the fine honeys who would run away from him, not knowing of his medical condition (Robabankitis). So now it's time to take a good look at yourself. Go on, look in a mirror. What do your clothes say about you? Is it what you want to reflect to the girls?
Drk paused the tape and walked over to the mirror. Dictator hat, olive green short sleeved button down, blue jeans, wallet on a chain, green suede and canvas sneakers, two visible tattoos, a leather cuff bracelet, two rubber bands on wrist, a full beard, lip ring, tiny hoops in ears. "So what does my look say about me?" he thought as he twisted, looking at different views of himself in the mirror. "I kind of look like I'm in the military, or maybe ex military and now involved in guerilla warfare...or maybe I look like a little like that guy who always gets his Lucky Charms stolen." Drk shook his head. These were not the looks he was going for. Drk walked into his room, stripped off the offending clothes and slipped into a fluffy white terrycloth robe, leaving his dictator hat in place. "Clean slate time," he said as he passed the mirror and walked back to the VCR and the couch. He hit play and Darius Rucker continued...
"Let's talk about where you take the fine ladies on dates." Think back where was your last date? If you were like Chip (flash back to pic 1) here, you've probably taken her on the convention circuit. You know, Star Wars, Star Trek, The Loveboat Reunion Bonanza..." Drk thought back, he had to admit, he had taken the last girl he had seen out to the local high school's play version of "Yoda-Behind the Movie" (see picture 2 [and yes that large green thing is supposed to be Yoda, sue me]). "Perhaps that wasn't the best choice of dating locations," he thought to himself as he rubbed his chin musingly.
"If you want to get romantic, you've got to infuse the evening with romance." Darius leaned in towards the camera, and appeared to lean towards Drk, "That means for God's sake man, don't take her to see any high school productions of anything." Drk slapped his forehead, "Now you tell me!"
"Finally, communication is key. Agree with the woman. If you and she are out and she says that she sees giant ostrichs in the sky...you say that you do too (picture 3). It's just the way that it has to be man. If you're the type that likes to argue with a lady and constantly point out how wrong she is...it's time to zip your lips son. "
Angry Drk got up, ripped the tape out of the VCR. "I don't want to be a damn Stepford Wife!!" and stomped away from the television. He mused over Rucker's statements all day as he alternately practiced both his guitar and his mandolin. Finally he decided to give it a shot. He wasn't really compromising himself, he was performing an experiment.
*** *****************************************************************************
Melina heard her doorbell ring. She opened her door and saw Drk, but it wasn't the Drk that she was used to. Before her stood a clean shaven boy. Gone was the dictator cap, in it's place was a Von Dutch trucker cap, pink no less. Gone was the olive drab military issue shirt, and it's place was a lacoste polo shirt (you know the ones with the alligator on them). His wallet had no chain, his sneakers were pink and green Roos to match his hat and he was wearing a bling bling watch in the place of his rubber bands and leather cuff. Melina took the whole look in, took a deep breath and asked, "What happened to you?" Before allowing him to speak, she reached out and touched his forehead with the back of her hand. "Are you sick? Were you abducted by the Moonies?" As she asked this she grabbed Drk's pink polo and pulled him into the house. "What's wrong with you?"
Drk sat on the couch and began to sob, "It's all Darius Rucker's fault." Melina was puzzled, "You know Darius Rucker?" Thinking that perhaps her former little pirate had lost his mind she rubbed his back and asked soothingly, "And what was Darius Rucker telling you to do." Drk sputtered, "He, he...he told me how to be more smooth with the ladies...well with you." Melina's incredulous and puzzled look melted from her face. She cupped his baby smooth cheeks (which now made him look like he was ten years old, and made Melina feel like a child molester), "Drk, I like you...just the way you are" and she planted a kiss on his forehead with her really hot Nars lipgloss that set her back $23.00 at Sephora.
"Did you steal that from Bridget Jones' Diary?"
"Well yeah, Mark Darcy did say that in the movie but I wasn't thinking about that. I was just thinking about you...wait a minute. How do you know what was said in Bridget Jones' Diary?
Sheepishly Drk looked into Melina's eyes, "I love that movie."
"Well why don't we go back to your Jewish temple, get your normal clothes on...we can come back here and watch the movie. How does that sound?"
Drk thought back to what Darius Rucker said about always agreeing with the lady and pushed that thought aside...he reached out and grabbed Melina. He pulled her down towards him and they retreated into a deep velvety kiss. Pink polos, Von Dutch hats and Darius Rucker all melted from their reality until there was nothing left but the two of them. Oh and the dog. That dog is a real sweetheart.
(Hey, a girl can dream right??)
Drk returned from his mailbox and entered his renovated Jewish temple with a puzzled look on his face. He hadn't remembered ordering anything, but in his hand he held a very bulky package with his name on it. He sat on the couch and opened the package. It held what appeared to be a form letter and a videotape. He set the tape aside and glanced at the letter, it was from a company called Dating Boot Camp. "Huh?" he muttered outloud. He read on.
Dear Drk,
This is the first step to fun weekends and a fuller life. Congratulations. It's not the easiest thing to admit that you have no game, but now that you have-- we can help you out, and that's a guarantee! Just pop in the tape, open your mind to what our experts have to say and you'll be big pimping, or with that special someone in no time flat. What you do after that...well you'll be on your own with that one stud! So won't you just pop that tape in and see how we can enrich your sorry life?
Best Wishes
Dr. Neil Warren Clark (also the shyster from Eharmony.com)
"Well," Drk thought to himself, "the tape isn't that long." In fact it was shorter than his Eight Minute Abs tape that he was going to do in a few moments. He popped the ab tape out of the VCR and popped in Dr. Clark's dating technique tape.
Darius Rucker (former front man of Hootie and the Blowfish and now the black man dressed in cowboy clothes crooning about Burger King's food) came onto the screen. "Are you tired of spending so much time alone? Are you called a loser? Are you not so smooth with the ladies? Have the ladies asked if you preferred an alternate lifestyle because your flirting skills were less that sharp? If you answered yes to any of these questions boy...I'm here to make you a man. Let's talking about how a real man ought to dress.
Do you have fly threads? Do the ladies think you're a sharp dressed man? Chances are you don't. Take Chip here (flash picture one- you have to scroll down to see them because I'm a nerd and can't link right up to them). This is Chip when he first came to us. In fact, he needed a little more remediation than most so we brought him to the home office to work on him. Chip suffered from Robabankitis...meaning he didn't like his face showing at any given time. This was a little daunting when it came to the dating scene. Chip would be at the bar and trying to lay lines on the fine honeys who would run away from him, not knowing of his medical condition (Robabankitis). So now it's time to take a good look at yourself. Go on, look in a mirror. What do your clothes say about you? Is it what you want to reflect to the girls?
Drk paused the tape and walked over to the mirror. Dictator hat, olive green short sleeved button down, blue jeans, wallet on a chain, green suede and canvas sneakers, two visible tattoos, a leather cuff bracelet, two rubber bands on wrist, a full beard, lip ring, tiny hoops in ears. "So what does my look say about me?" he thought as he twisted, looking at different views of himself in the mirror. "I kind of look like I'm in the military, or maybe ex military and now involved in guerilla warfare...or maybe I look like a little like that guy who always gets his Lucky Charms stolen." Drk shook his head. These were not the looks he was going for. Drk walked into his room, stripped off the offending clothes and slipped into a fluffy white terrycloth robe, leaving his dictator hat in place. "Clean slate time," he said as he passed the mirror and walked back to the VCR and the couch. He hit play and Darius Rucker continued...
"Let's talk about where you take the fine ladies on dates." Think back where was your last date? If you were like Chip (flash back to pic 1) here, you've probably taken her on the convention circuit. You know, Star Wars, Star Trek, The Loveboat Reunion Bonanza..." Drk thought back, he had to admit, he had taken the last girl he had seen out to the local high school's play version of "Yoda-Behind the Movie" (see picture 2 [and yes that large green thing is supposed to be Yoda, sue me]). "Perhaps that wasn't the best choice of dating locations," he thought to himself as he rubbed his chin musingly.
"If you want to get romantic, you've got to infuse the evening with romance." Darius leaned in towards the camera, and appeared to lean towards Drk, "That means for God's sake man, don't take her to see any high school productions of anything." Drk slapped his forehead, "Now you tell me!"
"Finally, communication is key. Agree with the woman. If you and she are out and she says that she sees giant ostrichs in the sky...you say that you do too (picture 3). It's just the way that it has to be man. If you're the type that likes to argue with a lady and constantly point out how wrong she is...it's time to zip your lips son. "
Angry Drk got up, ripped the tape out of the VCR. "I don't want to be a damn Stepford Wife!!" and stomped away from the television. He mused over Rucker's statements all day as he alternately practiced both his guitar and his mandolin. Finally he decided to give it a shot. He wasn't really compromising himself, he was performing an experiment.
*** *****************************************************************************
Melina heard her doorbell ring. She opened her door and saw Drk, but it wasn't the Drk that she was used to. Before her stood a clean shaven boy. Gone was the dictator cap, in it's place was a Von Dutch trucker cap, pink no less. Gone was the olive drab military issue shirt, and it's place was a lacoste polo shirt (you know the ones with the alligator on them). His wallet had no chain, his sneakers were pink and green Roos to match his hat and he was wearing a bling bling watch in the place of his rubber bands and leather cuff. Melina took the whole look in, took a deep breath and asked, "What happened to you?" Before allowing him to speak, she reached out and touched his forehead with the back of her hand. "Are you sick? Were you abducted by the Moonies?" As she asked this she grabbed Drk's pink polo and pulled him into the house. "What's wrong with you?"
Drk sat on the couch and began to sob, "It's all Darius Rucker's fault." Melina was puzzled, "You know Darius Rucker?" Thinking that perhaps her former little pirate had lost his mind she rubbed his back and asked soothingly, "And what was Darius Rucker telling you to do." Drk sputtered, "He, he...he told me how to be more smooth with the ladies...well with you." Melina's incredulous and puzzled look melted from her face. She cupped his baby smooth cheeks (which now made him look like he was ten years old, and made Melina feel like a child molester), "Drk, I like you...just the way you are" and she planted a kiss on his forehead with her really hot Nars lipgloss that set her back $23.00 at Sephora.
"Did you steal that from Bridget Jones' Diary?"
"Well yeah, Mark Darcy did say that in the movie but I wasn't thinking about that. I was just thinking about you...wait a minute. How do you know what was said in Bridget Jones' Diary?
Sheepishly Drk looked into Melina's eyes, "I love that movie."
"Well why don't we go back to your Jewish temple, get your normal clothes on...we can come back here and watch the movie. How does that sound?"
Drk thought back to what Darius Rucker said about always agreeing with the lady and pushed that thought aside...he reached out and grabbed Melina. He pulled her down towards him and they retreated into a deep velvety kiss. Pink polos, Von Dutch hats and Darius Rucker all melted from their reality until there was nothing left but the two of them. Oh and the dog. That dog is a real sweetheart.
(Hey, a girl can dream right??)
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