You know what's fun to do even after six years of marriage have past?? Surprising your husband with a hilarious story about that one time you were so anxious to get away from a drunken mistake of a one night stand...that you just happened to have left your boots behind because you were too afraid of waking that mistake up. John laughed as he pictured me wandering around the streets of Manayunk, looking for my car, shoeless in December with snow on the ground. And I still contend it was worth it all. Not the sex, that was bad...but leaving the shoes behind, well worth it.

I went shopping.

That might not sound all that monumental but for the past three years I have either been pregnant or not pregnant for very long...this leaves the body looking less awesome than one would desire (unless you are carrying Seal's babies...seriously, what's wrong with Heidi Klum? She's not human! How does a person have four babies and look like that?!?) and it made me not want to shop for anything. Anyways, rather than whine about the state of my body, I spent five-six days a week at the gym for at least an hour for the entire summer. And I still hate my body...but I hate it less and that's what matters--I guess.

I blame my absence from the mall for my mistake of entering American Eagle. Immediately as I strolled in (literally, with my giant double stroller, I wanted to turn around and run away) I realized that I was too old for most of the clothes. But, before I could turn the barge around and get me and the boys safely out of the store, a boy/employee walks up and asks me (slowly, so that I could follow him), "Do you have a smart phone?" When I admitted that yes, I did, he asked, "Do you have Facebook?" (am I Amish?) Again, another yes. "Do you know how to like something on Facebook?" I told him that I did indeed know how to navigate the curious landscape of the easiest social network in the world and he said, "Great! If you like AE on your phone and show the girls at the front you'll get 20% off!"

Typically, this would've just been good news and I would be praising the guy for doing a great job but it was when I heard him just say to a girl after me, "Just like AE on Facebook and you'll get 20% off!" I realized he was WALKING ME THROUGH THE STEPS AS IF I WERE ELDERLY. I banged my stroller from clothing rack to clothing rack attempting to turn the damn thing around, and go somewhere...anywhere, perhaps the nursing home.

* When I first typed the title I accidentally wrote, "Shooping used to be fun" and I cracked myself up for about 2 mins.

When you're a mother of a 2 year old and 1 year old you become resourceful. You have to. It's kill or be killed and little kids are ruthless. Never forget that. I've never been one who planned anything before; I now find myself packing bags in the car that will allow for any situation, perhaps even alien abduction. I'm that good.

However, even the greatest get tested. I got my test at the pool the other day. As I was suiting everyone up (kind of like trying to catch two greased pigs and put bathing suits on them), I realized that I had to pee. Now here's the list of conundrums that go along with this:

1. I have two boys, they don't have a family bathroom.

2. Both boys escape underneath the stall when I take them individually...if they did it together, I would really be screwed.

3. We were a long way away from the bathroom anyway.

So...I did the only thing I could do. I pulled a diaper out of their diaper bag and peed in it. Vaguely in that moment, I let my mind drift and I remembered a slightly more glamorous life. A life full of much more superficial plans and solutions but I was pulled out of the past by my oldest giggling and saying, "Mommy, you have pee on your leg".

Oh friends...let's hope that my birth control pill works this time around (unlike last time when I found out last mid October that #2 was on his way) because after several months of husband imposed sex ban (neither of us really like pregnant sex...*gasp!) we haven't taken our hands off each other. In fact, we were talking about how you wish you could tell your body, "Hey, this is strictly recreational sex,not procreational" but I guess it just doesn't work that way, now does it??

And then, just when I thought I knew John, a sex swing shows up at the door! The things you do in the name of monogamy. Last night I was all strapped up with my legs swinging around as I dangled mid-air in our bedroom, my ass hanging over the swing. It would've looked pretty hot pre-two babies...this time around as I was suspended in front of our mirrored closets, it was well...a tad bit laughable. And laugh we did for about 10 minutes as we tested the thing out...and then we had sex. The end.

PS. There's a giant eye hook hanging from a support beam in our bedroom. Who wants to bet that John's mom goes looking for the item that hangs on said eye hook? I can't wait for that day.

This here my friends is Jamey, the newest edition to my family (yep, he looks like a generic newborn but he's damn cute...except for Monday night when he wouldn't sleep from 1am-6 am and then Tommy got up for the day and I wanted to kill myself).

I will blame him for my complete lack of posting for this year as well as all of my funny disappearing...although, I'm confident that I'm actually pretty hilarious these days or I'm suffering from complete delirium due to the fact that I only sleep when both of the kids sleep, and when they sleep?? I want to party!!! And by party, I mean drink a beer and catch up on TV that I've missed...

except for Friday. Friday, John and I went out to thithwbar and to the firehouse and it was like old times. I pretended that I wasn't actually a mother of two with tons of responsibilities--which might explain why I woke up the next morning naked cuddling with a cheese curl (?), a headache of epic proportions, my iPhone in the (empty) bathtub (although it was clear that at some point I was trying to play Words With Friends drunkenly), and having Chelle come over the next evening to drop off my wallet because I had left it at the bar. Oh it was glorious...I miss being a drunk...because I am one amazing sloppy mess unlike anyone else you will ever meet. But my drunken days must come in moderation (ah irony, you bitch) and I'm back to wiping asses and tears, playing dinosaur with Tommy and trying to save Jamey from his older brother.

Next Saturday reunites me with Chelle and T for T's bachelorette party, it should be very interesting.

Oh and if you're a fan from way back when, I feel it's necessary to inform you that Derek (the reason this blog was created) is back in town,back to working at thitwbar AND living in my neighborhood with his parents temporarily. Being incredibly happy with John (I'm not just saying that because he reads this...John really is awesome, the father of my children, my soulmate and the one person who can make me laugh hysterically when I'm down), it's just a fun fact that has very little bearing on my current life.

For the first time in almost four years of marriage, John slept on the couch out of anger. The funny part of this story?? He wasn't mad at me, he was mad at the dog. (For the record, it wasn't my dog who is a saint, it was my mom's dog who's staying with us for a couple of weeks!).

My friends and I are going to Kleinfeld's in NYC in a few scant minutes. My friend Ml is getting married!!! We all love Say Yes to the Dress so we decided that she had to make an appointment there--even if the dresses are out of her price range.

John stayed up late last night, getting into bed around 3. I woke up and groggily and asked him what the hell he had been doing...

What he had been doing was making me a 2 1/2 hour mix cd. A CD that I just previewed on a little jaunt to Wawa and it made me cry a little. It was the best CD ever--songs I love, songs I know and songs that he thinks that I'll like. What made me cry was the fact that no one has made me a mix tape since about 7th grade and even then, it was more about showing off musical taste than making something just for me.

And that's all, I just wanted to tell you that I love my CD and I love my husband.